


One Day, as Halucifer and Helo Were Happily Homemaking in Sammy’s Head…

by using_this_name



Series: Crackity Crack [68]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bad Poetry, Competition, Crack, Drabble, Humor, M/M, Mating Rituals, Miscommunication, Songfic, Sonnets, Threesome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-05
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 14:26:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/using_this_name/pseuds/using_this_name
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is only one way to resolve this: The Traditional Angelic Mating Dance.</p><p>Or, that time Lucifer wrote a sonnet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Day, as Halucifer and Helo Were Happily Homemaking in Sammy’s Head…

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Furrina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Furrina/gifts).



> Written for the prompt: Gabe and Lucifer have an angel-off about who Sam really belongs to… by, I don’t know, anything from traditional wooing to repeated sex to prove they’re better. Problem? It’s NOT Sam. It’s hot angel dude (Zeke) trolling as Sam.
> 
> Also, for those of you just joining us, Tahmoh Penikett (Ezekiel) played Helo on BSG.

**Gabriel:** Sammy! I heard you were hurt! I am here to comfort you!

 **Dean:**  Actually, now’s not a great—

 **Helo:**  *whispered* It will be alright, Dean. He cannot suspect I am not Sam. For reasons. That are not sinister.

 **Dean:**  I believe you. But you act nothing like Sam. They will see through the…

 **Helo:**  It will be fine. *in Sam voice* I mean, check this out! You know?

 **Dean:**  Wow. That’s surprisingly good. Fine. Ima go have phone sex with Cas, since you won’t let him stay here. For reasons. That are not sinister.

*Dean exits*

 **Gabriel:**  So, Sammy, how can I tend to your wounds?

 **Lucifer:**  *appearing* Not so fast! Sam, you know I can tend to your wounds better than he can!

 **Helo:**  Aren’t you supposed to be burning in Hell?

 **Lucifer:**  Yeah. But I’m a fan favorite, so…

 **Gabriel:**  Ha! Everyone loves Halucifer better, and you know it!

 **Lucifer:**  Whatever. I have more emotional depth. Now. Sammy. How can I and my magically healing cock help you?

 **Helo:**  I’m actually fine, thanks.

 **Gabriel:**  Yeah. He knows this is all the magically healing cock he needs! *gropes himself*

 **Helo:**  That’s not really what I…

 **Lucifer:**  Well you are short!

 **Gabriel:**  Height is an illusion! My height doubly so! Plus, I have a bigger penis!

 **Lucifer:** Well, I’m an archangel!

 **Gabriel:** So am I, idiot!

 **Lucifer:**  Dad loved me more!

 **Gabriel:**  No he didn’t!

 **Lucifer:** Yes he did!

 **Gabriel:**  No he didn’t!

 **Helo:** It’s like those first billion years all over again. No wonder they spent so much of it in time-out.

 **Gabriel:**  NO HE—

 **Lucifer:**  THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO RESOLVE THIS! THE TRADITIONAL ANGELIC MATING DANCE!

 **Helo:** Oh please Dad no….I mean. What is the traditional angelic mating dance? It sounds like a terrible idea. Let’s not do it.

 **Gabriel:**  No, no. It’s a good idea. Sam, the traditional angelic mating dance is a ritual crafted throughout time to allow angels to non-violently select their mates. There will be a poetry contest. And then a serenade or sing-off which is accompanied by the traditional mating display or dance.

 **Helo:**  We really don’t have to do this. What about a threesome?

 **Lucifer:**  Threesomes later! This is about pride.

 **Gabriel:**  Though, actually, can we have a threesome later?

 **Lucifer:**  Of course. Anyway. Sam. Here is a sonnet to win you to my love:

 

> _My skin may peel a bit from time to time,_  
>  _And on the whole humanity may quake_  
>  _To hear my name or speak my hellish crime_  
>  _Yet do not, love, be fearful of the snake._  
>  _Your holy books mistake my meaning quite_  
>  _To say I tempted Eve to slight or mock._  
>  _I offered her no hissing fiend in spite;_  
>  _She was just quite enamored of my cock,_  
>  _Which is uncommon large, to tell you true,_  
>  _Like to the serpent Adam took it for._  
>  _And I will gladly give it all to you_  
>  _If you will have me for your own amor._  
>  _But call me ‘love’, and Hell shall I distain,_  
>  _Thus in no kingdom but your pants to reign._

**Helo:**  Well, that was horrifying.

 **Gabriel:**  Please! Hear my humble verse!

 

> _There once was a hottie from Lawrence_  
>  _Possessed by an evil abhorrence_  
>  _But he got out of Hell_  
>  _Now he’s doing quite swell_  
>  _…_  
>  _Pick me and I’ll take you to Florence?_

**Helo:**  Um. What.

 **Gabriel:** Don’t worry! We are not done. Next up are the songs!

*dramatic orchestral intro*

 **Lucifer:**   _If ever I would leave you, it wouldn’t be in autumn…_

 **Helo:**  Really? You’re going with Camelot? You do know their love tears apart the kingdom and leads to everyone’s death?

 **Lucifer:**  Quiet. I am the fucking devil. What do you want, the Beach Boys? Now watch this pirouette.

*after the song concludes*

 **Gabriel:**  That’s great. But I think you’ll find this is a better expression of the love and cherishing you deserve:

*a pop beat*

 

> _Sugar_  
>  _Oh, honey honey_  
>  _You are my candy girl!_  
>  _And you got me wantin’ yoooouuuuu!_

**Helo:**  Jesus Christ.

*after that song, and all the suggestive gestures that go with it, is over…*

 **Helo:**  Guys. That was great, really. I mean, not as good as Cas’ last week, but he wrote that himself and there was a lute…

 **Gabriel:**  Damn it. I knew I should have added a lute part. Oh well. It would have messed up the choreography, so…

 **Lucifer:**  I can play the trombone. Would you like me to…?

 **Helo:**  NO! No. Um. What I’m saying is…um…I can’t possibly choose between you.

 **Lucifer:** But how will we know which one of us is better?

 **Helo:**  You know what? I have an idea. I have a list of items you can get me. That I need for reasons. That are not sinister.

 **Gabriel:**  Ooooo! Like a quest!

 **Helo:**  Exactly! And whoever gets back first shall have my…um…eternal devotion.

 **Gabriel:**  Cool!

 **Lucifer:**  Let’s go!

*they go*

 **Helo:** Well, that went well.

 **Halucifer:**  *appearing* So. You’d actually pick me, right, Zeke?

 **Helo:**  Duh. You’re the only one who knows who I am  _and_  gets my name right. Including the author. Plus, you can do that thing with your tongue…

 

 

**Epilogue:**

**Cas:**  *counting syllables on his fingers* 

 

> _Dean, you are so ve-  
>  Ry pretty and I would like  
>  To have sex with you._

**Dean:**  Really? A haiku? You wrote Sam a lute ballad! I should at least get a sestina! A doggerel! A freaking limerick!

 **Cas:** And now, for my musical number, I will be performing one of Meatloaf’s greatest love songs. *sings*  _And I would do anything for love…_

 **Dean:**  I hate you.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want updates as they happen, follow me on tumblr, where I am going by using-this-name (with dashes instead of underscores).
> 
> I would also LOVE any prompts that you would like to send me on tumblr. Any pairing, or any trope!


End file.
